Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
