I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
