I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
