dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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