I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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