He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
