i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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