Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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