i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
