I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
time to smoke my breakfast
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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