I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
