Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
