oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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