Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize