This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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