Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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