We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
