phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
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