im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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