Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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