i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize