She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
