I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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