he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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