either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
