He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
