I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
