He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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