last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
