So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
