We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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