It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize