Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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