I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
