im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
