Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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