My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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