the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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