im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
