the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize