How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
