Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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