When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
