i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
