i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
thus making me awesome and them whores
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
