So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
