he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
