I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
