Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
