Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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