hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
