Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
