Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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