Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
