my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
