I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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