so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
