The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
