I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I am midnight drunk by noon
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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