I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
