ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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