Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I should be sponsored by Trojan
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
