Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
did i walk over a car last night?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
