i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
