I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
