New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
